Are you Corona Virus Cool or Crazy?
Are you Corona Virus Cool or Crazy? - What is Corona Virus Teaching Us?
On that day in March 2020 did you expect to be here as you are? Are you the same person you were or something completely different? In my last blog I speculated on evolution, it’s something that has come up from this enforced imprisonment.. Yes I will liken it to prison because in some way all our freedoms have been taken from us.
When this lockdown started I didn’t really appreciate what I would feel, where my brain would take me or what new challenges would be thrown my way. I just accepted with complete panic that this is what had to be done, to throw in a very underestimated quote “for the Greater Good!” (you’ll like that one Emily and Allan) The expectations of others and the unseen catastrophes that have since taken place are quite neatly explained (in one paragraph) why it hasn’t really been for the greater good and what problems have been thrown up. But then hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Speaking to many friends (yes I have some) over the last few months, the same conversations arose, “How were you coping with homeschool?” ….” How were you coping in general?”....” What did you miss the most?”....”How was Lockdown treating you?” But like many conversations you have with friends, they didn’t really address the real issues. They didn’t really ask the questions that needed to be asked and I for one didn’t really answer the real answers. Nor did I volunteer any of the problems that I was really having. I was reluctant to share the state of my mental health or be brave enough to actually say how shit this situation really was and the real effects it was having on me.
So...How was I REALLY feeling? What worries and concerns was I REALLY having? And why was I reluctant to open up about the state of my mental health? Surely in this day and age saying how my mental health was, shouldn’t really have any stigma attached to it. but my own fears said otherwise and so I kept schtum. As such the anxiety, depression and darkness started to ebb in. Some days I would just cry, other days I would shout. I felt very alone, kinda just thrown out to dry with no real thoughts as to how I would manage. I began to question if this was in fact my reliance on the Nanny State. Had I placed far greater expectation on the Powers that Be in order to fix this mess than was warranted. After all they had imposed this and I was adhering to their rules.
I was mulling over whose fault it all was when the worst thing happened. The thing that had been predicted all along . That people would start dying! But no, not from Corona Virus, well…….. not directly.
After my friend committed suicide I ask all the questions. Why didn’t I realise?, How come she didn’t reach out? The list goes on blah blah blah. You know the self centered ego driven questions that were more about me than her. But again it went back to the stigma of Mental Health the reasons we don’t say we’re not coping, is the fear of failure of letting someone down, of letting ourselves down. We feel we have no choice and that our only option is taking our own life. Of course this is not true but mental health will fool you into thinking this. And I too was beginning to fall back into those depths of despair. Back into those patterns of behaviour, that I had spent a lot of time and money trying to let go of. Yes I had been privileged enough to pay for my therapy after years of relying on others to help me. I had taken that leap of faith in order to help myself.
My privilege is what has got me here. Able to impart some wisdom that I have learnt from my falls from grace, my dalliance with my own mental health and the lessons I have learnt from all of my experiences.
You see I have opened Pandora’s Box before, and I know what is in there!
What comes out of all that is dark is the light. The small wisp of hope that gives you the courage to claw yourself out from that pit of despair. I’m not saying that my friend couldn’t find that hope, I’m saying that she was unable to see it because she didn’t realise it was there. This is why I am trying to shout louder about mental health from an insider’s perspective. Because my own darkness meant I was able to see the light. My Therapy had given me space to ask all the questions but the answers had only ever come from myself. I knew what was right for me, but I had to have the right questions asked. And here lies the problem: sometimes those questions are not asked, sometimes we have not heard them and many times we have not been given the space to explore what is needed or the time to explore when we need to. We have been asked to mask to medicate and to put up with a way of life that for some time has been killing us slowly.
You see the real revelations that this pandemic has uncovered is that fact that we are all being controlled and manipulated to fit in and keep quiet , when actually we need to stand up and shout. We have seen that with the recent Black Lives Matters marches and demonstrations. For far too long we have kept quiet, put up and shut up with what is being dished up to us. And I don’t believe it has to be that way. I for one will be questioning everything that I am going back to. Finding what is right for me and my family and what else I can do to make a change to my mental well being . After all I know what is best for me (although a few will be trying to stop me I’m sure).
So I urge you again in these times to talk Kindly, especially to yourself because you are enlightened, you will be able to find your own way out. You just have to let go of all that binds you and be able to trust in yourself. The past will affect your future but knowing that will make it easier for you to navigate it. So go easy on you, cuddle up with that blanket and know that you are indeed in charge of your own destiny.